Whirlwind Life

I have been in so many movies in my mind, while acting out excessive women; women trying to die quietly and at the same time, screaming violently for life. One long B horror movie, the same scary, sad drama over and over. A whirlwind life of ecstatic highs and degrading lows.

In my file at Advocates is a collage I made to describe myself. It illustrates my treatment here and the integrating of my many different personae. I started with my resume, cut it up and pasted it to a page of an old Grateful Dead calendar then I went through my files for representative photos, images and excerpts of texts to represent pieces of who I am.

This colorful creation includes: headshots of my middle-aged self whom I never expected to live long enough to be; titles of organizations I’ve served and committees I’ve chaired; Jerry Garcia photos for my rocking and rolling; images from articles on the sacred feminine and quotes from medieval mystics – my MA in feminist theology; a picture of a solid quarter horse and blond, pony-tailed girl-child who could be my young self; an image of two people walking on a Caribbean beach who represent my period of smuggling heroin in the West Indies; and the laconic, naked woman is reminiscent of my early years as a hooker, before hard drugs.

My first attempt at recovery lasted almost ten years and brought me three degrees, numerous discount trips to Europe – a too incredible transformation and an identity based in victimization – oh what the world had done to me!!! And what it owed me! When I finished graduate school I drifted back into the old scene and the twister whirled. I came to Advocates, literally, straight from Spectrum. I told my psychologist and psychiatrist that, though a victim of sexual abuse, I do not need to be an incest survivor. I do not want to be a broken woman, and I want authority over my life – past, present and future.

Though I see myself, all my faces and places, as a hologram of my collage. It is formed by all the action I saw in my addiction, which I have worked hard to splice together with my idealistic youth. My decade of sobriety in Ivy towers also needed to be unfurled, I own it all and I am made whole. Today I practice a powerlessness in which I can save and plan for the things I want. I can be buffeted but not blown-away. I try to maintain an awareness of how I feel rather than act out of costly compulsion.

The people at Advocates have helped me attain my goals. I’ve had the same job for two years and have a 401K and a savings account. I’m a full member of my family and community –I’m a registered voter and I attend a sacred space consistently. I had nothing. Now I have a car, a computer, a job, and a puppy named Peggy Cuddlebooger---whom I adore. I’m working on a degree that will put me in a position to give back to the world---of myself from all of who I am.

E. G.