Toward
Recovery |
I was about seven when I took my first drug, cough medicine. I took a big slug and felt a sense of well being and self acceptance. Everything was rosy. I didn’t start to abuse drugs until 1966 when I was sixteen. My first hospitalization took place in 1966 and I met some people there, it was pretty neat. They let me out a couple of weeks after my admission. There were drugs available at the hospital, but I didn’t take them. After a jump in years 1966-1969, I started to abuse alcohol and marijuana and an occasional trip on acid, my favorite was Darvon comp 65 and beer. In 1971, I had my first psychotic episode without taking drugs. It was scary. It was out of control, but I fought it but I couldn’t stop the episodes. I kept ending up in Westboro. It was frustrating. I couldn’t beat it by myself. My manic episodes were cunning and baffling. I learned what to stay away from, booze and drugs. I have a dual diagnosis, schizophrenia affective disorder, bi-polar and substance abuse. The bi-polar part is really seductive and I feel it’s impossible to stop the manic episodes by myself. It becomes an obsession. The combination of AA and abstinence and therapy is working in my life today. AA has really helped me. It has helped me with my higher power, gratitude, acceptance, and it has helped me open my mind and in recovery which I feel good about. I haven’t been in Westboro for years, I’ve had a few rough times but nothing like before. I accept who I am today, and I accept other people as they are. My obsession, compulsions, anxiety, and denial are under control today. I try to make sure my support is in place. I try to benefit from the people in the group and take what I can and leave the rest. Again my recovery is in place. Today I can deal with dual diagnosis and Adult Child. It’s a chore to deal with things in the past. Growing up was tough, my mother was a compulsive manipulator. My father supporting her was hell. My father didn’t see what she was doing and we suffered her hell. My father was an alcoholic, my mother abused drugs, and at the end of my father’s life he was hostile towards me. He was 57 when he died and he couldn’t smell the roses. It was too bad he passed away, but I saw it coming several years before he died. He was having blackout, both of my parents were in denial. My mother’s trip came to an end. My sister built a house in Hudson, and built my mother an apartment, but all my mother could do was bitch and manipulate. I first remember my mother using drugs when I was five. I remember her sterilizing a needle and she told me to be quiet while she injected the drug. She liked paregoric and pain killers and she had two doctors who wrote prescriptions for her. She was trying to abuse Librium at my sister’s house. She is now in a rest home in Marlboro. My father was pretty laid back except when my mother started in. She was vindictive always blaming us for things. She did this to all of us, confused and manipulated us. My sister’s family got sick of her. I feel she’s in the right place, the rest home. I feel sad, but she will never change. It’s too bad my sister can’t tolerate it. I have struggled with my own feelings about my family, the denial, compulsion, obsession and anxiety. In recovery it’s been slow and gradual. My feelings and attitudes, emotions, and spirituality are changing my life. My higher power is becoming clearer, “God is nature, Jesus is God.” That helps me to understand the spiritual part of the AA program. Emotionally things are getting better, no manic episodes. The divine nature of Christ is really helpful in recovery. It took a while to understand and be comfortable with a higher power. It makes sense to have a power greater than yourself. It helps to be open minded and broadly receptive. Denial--not admitting complete defeat and realizing the addict needs help from another human being or group. Not admitting powerlessness over alcohol or the disease of alcohol. Adult Child—feelings, emotions, compulsions, anxiety, and fears, same as an alcoholic. New ideas are focusing on serenity. Alanon helps to show people new ideas and approaches. Exchanging experiences in recovery—probably the most interesting and helpful aspect of alnon. It is hard to understand the alcoholic even when you have the same feeling of anger, resentment, denial, compulsions, and obsession. Personally my experience has been good in both AA and Alanon through experiencing true change. I have learned to be comfortable in my own skin, and I am able to carry the message to other 12 steppers. In closing, my parents used what they had when they had it, and I am sorry my mother and father got into the drugs and alcohol. I wish they had been there for us. It really is a heartbreak. My father died at 57, and my mother ended up in a rest home. What to tell kids about using drugs when parents are using:
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